Commitment issues

What do we actually mean by commitment issues? I never understood it until recently when I acknowledged mine. According to me, these refer to a feeling which may even be a fear of not being able to give a name or tag to any kind of a relationship. That relation could be as simple and sweet as that of a friend or it could be as complex as that of a lover.

Most people think that these don't exist. And trust me, even I never believed they didn't so far. That is mainly because of the belief that if a person is incapable of committing, he or she is incapable of giving their best to that relationship. But that's not really true and by sharing some of my past experiences, I would like you to rethink it and reconsider this notion.

I've always felt uneasy whenever my friends showered me with, "You are one of the best friends one could get." I mean I'll always be there for you when you need me because I like to help and care for people but I'm not sure if I feel the same way for you as you do for me. Are you sure that you can designate me to that level in our friendship? I've always been tormented by this fear of not being able to meet their expectations and be that best friend.

Even today, when I come across people and am pleased by their presence around me, I prefer to keep it that way instead of jumping up to them and saying, "Hey! We could be best friends since we share the same energy." In my mind, I accept that concept but naming it kind of sends me in a cold sweat. This does not lower my dedication to that relationship. I just happen to feel comfortable that way.

Now, let me tell you about my romantic relations. My first one was that cute and innocent school time love story which I may also call the purest one to date. But honestly, I am not sure if I am entitled to call it a "relationship", even though we spent almost three years together because we never really gave the tag of "boyfriend-girlfriend" to us. And was mainly because I didn't want to hurt my parents. As Indian parents, they never welcomed the concept of their children getting into such stuff as teenagers. But anyways, things went on pretty well without giving a label to this bond between us. We had our happy moments and our fights but in the end, everything seemed good. We never committed, not because I wanted anything casual or something like that but because at that time just as innocent as we were, we felt like this could last forever. Basically, I could never let him ask me to be his girlfriend, even though we wanted it so bad. I could never tell him this but I was scared that I will never be able to be that girlfriend who he deserves.  I was scared of disappointing him by not having those qualities to be a close-to-perfect-girlfriend, which society has defined. So, we never gave "us" a tag and things eventually came to an end when we realized that love wasn't enough to prevent the ship of relationship from sinking. 

Since then, I've got into two relationships. The first one didn't last for much time since it was a long-distance thing and I wasn't sure if it was something both of us wanted or we were just getting together because we felt lonely. Having this thought in mind made me realize that it might not be the right thing to do. So, I told him so and we continued to be those school friends like before. 

Then was this other one which I can technically call my first relationship because this time I finally decided to gather some courage and commit to being a girlfriend.  This meant that everyone around you would know about both of you and not only your friends but also acquaintances would randomly come to you and ask how are things going and if they want a party. And trust me, I did not see that coming until that actually happened. It seems like a funny college ritual but all of this was freaking me out. The first thought that would pop up inside my head, every time someone would ask me about us would be," Why is everyone making such a big deal out of it ?" Some of them would say that I wasn't really putting in as much effort as he was, even when we had been together only for two weeks. Three weeks and that was it, I could no longer bear that pressure of trying to be the so-called "perfect girlfriend". I tried to push away my issues aside again and again but I couldn't. And at last, I said hello to my commitment issues.

So, how should we deal with this? The first step would be to believe in ourselves. And I like to think that acing this step will spontaneously help us start trusting others. Our past experiences should not dictate our future ones. We have to be strong for our own benefit and little by little, we ultimately need to stop circling back to those who did wrong to us in our past. We have to stay open to all those experiences that our future holds. And believe it or not, as time passes, everything will get better. Just keep taking one step at a time.

Although most of you would still not believe that these issues truly exist because let's be real, even I accepted them after so many friendships and relationships. So, I would not blame any of you for thinking that way. But I'll surely appreciate it if next time someone comes up to you and tells you that they are dealing with this thing, maybe you will be reminded of my experiences and you can understand what they might be referring to. In the end, I would just like to say that it's okay to have commitment issues because they are merely fears and insecurities and everyone has them in one form or the other.